This is a question I keep asking myself. I have dreams of businesses I want to open, yet I put those on the back burner for security. I want to share what I love, specifically ways to live healthier, with my friends and family, yet every time I have the opportunity, I get embarrassed and clam up. I know what I want my life to look like in ten years and I see the path I need to get there, but it scares me and so I hold myself back from the steps I know I need to take.
It is a weird thing, seeing your own ability to succeed and having it utterly terrify you. It shouldn’t, and I know that, but it does. While I am not positive where this originated, I feel wrong being better at something or succeeding at something more than other people. For example, my roommate invited me to go rock climbing, a recreational activity she loves. Due to who I am and the skillset I possess, we discovered that I could advance in the difficulty level of the routes faster than she could. However, I was convinced that, if I climbed better than my roommate, she would hate me and we would no longer be friends. Yes, I am aware that is crazy, but that was my thought process. Over the last couple of months, I have realized that, if someone is my friend, they won’t actually care if I am better at something than them (which my roommate reassured me of). And, I have realized that if someone does care that I am better than them, it literally does not matter in the slightest. That being said, it is still a struggle for me to remember that.
Looking at the two paragraphs above, I realize that the word “I” is said a lot. And, I realize if I was reading this, my question would be “And your point is…?” My point is something that I have only realized recently – my success or failure does not influence how people think of me. And, if it does influence how people think of me, I don’t want to be associated with them anymore than I have to be.
This evening, after I had started this post and then postponed finishing it, I came across a quote from a woman I had never heard of until I Googled her name. She is, according to the internet, in the running for the presidential election but I know nothing about her so note that this is not an endorsement nor a slam against her. The quote was this:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson
The beginning 2 sentences resonated with me because I realized that it is utterly true in my life. I am scared of success more than of being inadequate. I am scared that I will let success run my life and that I will become a horrid person because of it. And I do not think I am alone. But, if you are like me in that fear, this is what I have realized: I determine who I will be, what I will act like. I get to make the choice today, tomorrow, and every single day to be who I want to be. And I don’t want to be a horrid person. So I will choose not to be. And that choice starts today.
My dreams are not going away, I am simply taking a different path to get there than I ever thought I would. My fear of sharing what I know and love is simply me being selfish, because if I have knowledge that can change a life and I don’t share it, that is on me. And, what I have begun to learn is that when I share what I love, when I pursue what I love, my dreams begin to become reality. I get to chose to be a kind, loving, God-filled person today so that as I grow, I grow as a kind, loving, God-filled person.
Thanks for coming on this ride with me, as I learn about life. I am not claiming to have it all figured out – actually, I don’t claim to have anything figured out besides that I am broken and need Jesus. But, what I do say, is that I am working, day-by-day to figure it out. All are steps forward, though some days feel like steps backwards, but it is all part of this beautiful journey called life. I know this post was a bit long but I hope it is as helpful for you as it has been for me as I have come to realize for myself that my current reality can be changed by nothing more than a simple thought.
